Motto vs. Feldman UPDATE
Sunday, August 19, 2007

Scotty hasn't written back. Am I surprised? Yes, actually. We were having delusions of grandeur - picturing our red-carpet appearance at an LA courthouse, Andy in Dolce and Gabbana and Hugo Boss, me hoping we wouldn't get yelled at, but wearing Betsey Johnson, waving at the paparazzi, our shirt sales hitting an all-time high...

We have not given up all hope, however. It took us this long to cause a small ruckus. Maybe its just a little more time to cause a bigger ruckus.

Motto vs. Feldman
Thursday, August 9, 2007

My co-entrepreneur and I received this email today via our website, regarding our least-selling shirt, "Corey is My Homeboy:"

I am Corey Feldman's manager.  If you are going to be selling T-Shirts with his likeness on it we expect to receive a substantial portion of the proceeds. Today is August 9, 2007, I expect to hear back something within the next couple of days.
Scott Carlson

Intrigued, I did a bit of research, and found that Mr. Feldman's manager IS in fact named Scott Carlson.

After a mild heart-attack and a few words from my Voice of Reason (who is in no way related to me), I started thinking about the parameters of this request.

1. We have been in business for just over a year, and have not sold ONE Corey t-shirt. I look over our stats almost every day and see which pages are getting the most hits, which shirts are the most popular, etc. Prior to Mr. Carlson somehow finding our shirt out of the millions of other t-shirts on the internet, the last person to go to that page was someone in Witchita, Kansas.
2. Do we actually appear successful enough that our profits could make a big dent in Mr. Feldman's bank account? Or is he desperately in need of an extra 7 dollars a month?
3. Interestingly enough, Corey Feldman's new reality show, The Two Coreys, just began it's run on A&E. Is it AT ALL possible that perhaps the producers of the show are in need for some good televised conflict and instructed their interns go online and search for ANYTHING that could cause potential legal issues? Something that could maybe compete with Corey Haim's heart problem (which I only know about from seeing the previews for the latest episode...) I can see the scene now:

   (FADE IN on Corey F, seated at his computer, leaning back in his chair, chin in hand. He appears stressed. ENTER Corey H.)

   CH: Hey, man, what up?

   CF: Dude, these people out in Boston are selling a shirt with my face on it. Scott's been contacting them and telling them to either stop it or work out some licensing with us but they just keep blowing us off.

   CH: Yeah?

   CF: Yeah. (Sighs heavily, puts face in his hands) Crap, Dogg, I don't know what to do...

   (Corey H walks over to the computer and looks at the screen.)

   CH: Dude, thats a really cool shirt. I have a heart problem.

   END SCENE.

After some thought, and still not being quite sure if this is a legitimate email or not, we wrote back:

And finally, supplying us with the reassurance that we needed to bring us closer to the fact that this could quite possibly be legit, Scott replied:

We responded with this email:

Dear Scottie,

Thanks for your timely response. Our board of directors has decided not to discontinue the Corey Is My Homeboy™ t-shirts on account of the fact that there may yet still be some Corey Feldman fans in the lower 48 states, and that some of them might be willing to shell out some money for his likeness on their chests.

As for your offer to discuss a licensing deal, we'd be thrilled! After careful consideration, we've determined that you are entitled to 3.5% of net earnings generated through sales of Corey Is My Homeboy™ t-shirts on the www.mottoapparel.com website, on the sole condition that someone wearing the t-shirt appears on The Two Coreys (broadcast intermittently on AETV) for at least 3 consecutive seconds. The t-shirt must be both visible and legible to a television audience with a reasonable standard of vision, although any human over the age of 18 may wear it.

Please let us know if these conditions are acceptable; we anticipate another timely response.

Thanks!

Cordially,
Motto Apparel

P.S. Please high-five Corey for us.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments.

5 Things I Thought I Would Never Read in a Thank-You Note, but Did
Wednesday, August 8, 2007

1. death sentence
2. slut
3. guadalajara
4. fat
5. recourse (I don't even know what this means)

The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day
Sunday, August 5, 2007

There is a movie called "Alone in the Dark," in which Tara Reid plays an archaeologist.

A List for Esmaeil
Saturday, August 4, 2007

Often I will be having a few drinks with my small but close group of friends, and some aspect of my past will casually come up in conversation. Nothing too racey or disgusting, but more along the lines of, "When I was bartending in Baltimore..."

One friend in particular is consistently amazed at the jobs I have had, the places I've lived, the things that I've done - not because they're amazing and exciting, but just so completely unexpected. He is convinced that one day I will start a story with, "When I was a logger in Montana" or "Back when I was a handler for the Pope." So, I have decided to make a list of the various random jobs I have had and things I have done. This is strictly for selfish self-absorbed reasons, and also for my dear friend, Essie, who, if he wants to continue to be surprised by my mediocre life experiences, should not read any further.

• Worked in a sex shop that specialized in high-end fetish gear - rubber sheets, adult diapers, rubber masks with breathing tubes that attached to the crotch area of matching rubber pants, enema kits, urethral sounds (these were in the locked glass case at the front of the store to avoid the off-chance that someone might actually steal a set), dozens upon dozens of cock-rings with fancy names (the Gates of Hell, the Chevron Stretcher, the Divide and Conquer), harnesses, chastity belts, you get the idea. The job I was hired to do? Surf porn sites and get them to sign up for our affiliate program.
• I was an equestrian. I rode horses and competed in shows.
• I've jumped out of a plane. Only once.
• Spent about 2 years being a hard-core Christian youth group leader on religious retreats.
• I was engaged twice. (To two separate people. I broke it off each time.)
• I was a massage therapist and had a gig which allowed me to rub celebrities. I massaged Sting three times.
• Worked in a costume factory in an assembly-line set-up where I checked costumes for bad stitching (this lasted a day.)
• Was a dancer for the Lenny Gomulka Christmas Spectacular 3 years in a row.
• Worked at Dick's Last Resort in Boston (back when it was at the Prudential Center.)
• Bartended in Baltimore.
• Was hired to do design work for a promotional company out of Central Islip for a Boat Party. I was invited to the boat party, where a fight broke out (there were guns) and we were pulled over by the boat police. We went back to shore and went to a club, where a different fight broke out (before we even got inside) and we had to get away fast. I was a getaway driver.
• I'm an excellent tap dancer.
• I made my Off-Broadway debut as a gimp with a squeaky-ball gag.
• Auditioned to go on tour with the Oak Ridge boys as part of the opening act - Alvin and the Chipmunks.
• Was hired to go on tour with the Oak Ridge Boys as part of the opening act, but sprained my ankle instead.
• Sprained my ankle performing in a play (in which I was playing a big mouse) by falling off of a giant Boston Creme donut.
• Continued playing said Big Mouse in various other scenarios - one scenario taking me to Cincinatti, Ohio.

I'm sure there are many many other things that can be added to this list, but I think this is sufficient for now. It's a good excuse for another entry later on. Plus I don't want Essie to have a heart attack.