Stella Marrs

Has it ever happened to you that one day you wake up, make coffee, take a shower, drink the coffee, get dressed, go to work, make money, or not, have a beer, or two, or three, depending on the day, drive home, or not, depending on the beer, walk into your apartment if you did drive home, feed the cats, change your clothes, turn on the tv, check the fridge to see if there's anything to eat, eat something if there is, and then check your messages to see that no one has called, and check your email to find ten or twenty messages on how to lower your debt, and then you listen, and you don't hear anything except the sound comig out of the tv, which at first you thought was soothing, just nice to have voices, but now you realize the guy in the fat blaster ad isn't talking to you, he's talking for anyone who'd listen.

and right now, you're anyone who'd listen.

no one specific, no one picked out special because he knew you'd be good to talk to. you're just there to absorb noise to make room for more.

and then you feel a space in your chest where your heart should be, and it's sucking you inside out because it needs something to fill it, and you're the only one around.

how did this happen?

how did i not see it start?

there were messages, there were emails once, and one day, for some reason, i said, "I'll get back to jim tomorrow," and tomorrow turned into two days, which turned into four days, a week, a month...

and now, all of a sudden, i wake up, and i'm alone. and it's my fault. for no other reason than... than i really don't know. one day i couldn't shake this nagging feeling that anything i had to say wouldn't be interesting to anyone. so i just decided to wait until i had something to say. and this "something to say" matured into this grandiose entity that couldn't be fulfilled by anything.

and now i so regret that day i put off that phone call, or that email, because my greatest fear is losing the people i love, and somehow, without even knowing it, i had decided to lose them first, because maybe it wouldn't feel as lonely that way.

but wouldn't you know it?

it sucks just the same.

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