My Weird Neighbor

(*NOTE: anything written in capital letters is directed to the cats, Hank and Lenny.)

Deja Vu

(knocks on door) it's me, I got your picture...

M: (muffled) front door?

me: yep...

M: (opens door) are you leaving, stace?

me: yep.

M: Uh I mean steph?

me: yeah I gotta go to work -

M: awww...

me:but I brought this over (hands her photo taken from when we went to lunch)

M: Oh thanks! Oh great! Oh I don't look too handsome do I! I'm so old!

me: I think you look fine.

M: I look older than my age.

me: I don't think so - how old are you?

M: I'll be 59 in March.

me: Really?

M: yeah.

me: I wouldn't have guessed that.

M: well, my big birthday present - my sister - every year she gives me an extended birthday present for my big birthday present - I told you, right?

(SEE CRAB ROLL TRANSCRIPT FOR THE REST OF THIS CONVERSATION)

M: okay well have a good day.

me: okay you too.

M: Okay thanks!

(SCENE.)

Pants and Cats

M: HI DARLIN'! HI HON! Oh aren't those pretty they're something like mine my - oh look (points to my Jesus and Mary Optic Fiber Picture) is that a present for someone?

me: That? Oh, I just ordered that -

M: Oh it's pretty are you Catholic?

me: I -

M: Or do you just like religious art? Among other things like that egyptian statue HA HA HA! HI LENNY HI BABY! AWWW - Oh hey you got your new computer did you make the picture yet?

me: I'm working on it, yeah - I'll try to get it to you tonight.

M: Oh - I notice - um do you have a um - you know - oh you got a pair of jeans on there did you shorten them yourself to the right size?

me: No I didn't, they're still too long.

M: Could you shorten - I - I dunno I have um - would you be willing I usually pay like five dollars to have them done like at the tailor's if you could do them for three dollars see I - I - see you have to have a heavy needle see where the welts are?

me: Just the legs, right?

M: Right right - I have a pair I've had since - um - I got them as a Christmas present - my sister-in-law you know she gives me clothes on my birthday and almost always you know in the wintertime and they always inevitably have to be shortened I just don't feel I can spend - ha - I should have done it when I had some money but I, you know, well well you know how it is you know? LOOK AT HIM TUMBLIN OVER THERE ON HIS SIDE DOES HE LIKE TO ROLL?

me: Yeah, he -

M: You don't let them out though, huh. I don't know if you've ever seen Alex and Julia they're tame they stay right on the lawn you know - Julia likes to roll on the steps - she can roll - OH LOOK AT - HE'S FLOPPED OVER THAT'S - my sister had a (lilac?) seapoint named MeiLing when she first got her she was a normal weight but she got to be tremendous and she used to lay like that on the kitchen floor with her legs and her stomach flopped over and all. She got sick with a thyroid disease and she got back to her normal weight but then eventually she died. Oh well - Well okay Bye!

(SCENE.)

V.C. Andrews

M: Did you ever read anything by V.C. Andrews?

me: I think I read almost all of them...

M: Well you know the first one what was it Petals in the -

me: Flowers in the Attic.

M: OH YEAH!! When they'd be up in the attic on the roof there on the mattress and in the attic there was a ballet costume and the girl got it and learned to do the dance and the mother was feeding the baby donuts with arsenic on them - HA!! Yeah I read a few of them and then I just couoldn't hack it.

me: They're very depressing.

M: Yeah.

(SCENE.)

The Crab Roll

me: What were you listening to? Fleetwood Mac?

M: Yeah "The Dance." My sister gave it to me it's part of my birthday present, I get, uh, I get a mini present and an extended present which is my big present which has been the Picard family's present to me for about 10 or 12 years - it's a trip to Rockport in the fall in September in the beginning of the weekdays because my sister works toward the end of the week and she usually, sometimes, my mother didn't come last year but sometimes she comes and my sister's friend Barbara comes - her kids grew up with my sister's kids and it's a trip to Rockport with $15 spending money and, um, lunch out. We usually - there used to be a restaurant - are you familiar with Rockport?

me: no, I -

M: well on the street the Toad Hall the bookstore's on there was a scandinavian restaurant called Oleanna's which we used to go to and since it's gone out - well it hasn't actually gone out of business it's under new hands I guess - it's still a Scandinavian - I don't think it's a restaurant anymore, uh, well, I don't know, I guess it is - part of it is what I guess you'd call a coffee shop, right? And uh, since then we've been going to either Essex to Woodman's on the way back or um to - on the street where you come into the center of Rockport um - it's uh - well anyway there's a parking lot that overlooks the water like, and down at the end of it on one side is a little restaurant called Ella's. Actually it's been in the same place it's been in Rockport since the 50s - we like to get the friend sandwich there - the, you know, the fish and it's real reasonable it comes with fries and onion rings and you know the usual.
Usually - a long time ago like in the 80s, well, that long ago back when my mom and my dad was still alive they'd take me to Rockport once in the summer usually and we'd eat at Oleanna's and that long ago - it was between '81 and '84 - I had lost about 150 pounds and I always used to get the crab roll, as a matter of fact I STILL get the crab roll at Woodman's. They both have good crabrolls. As a matter of fact, the Holden's, my friends, took me to Kelly's Roast Beef a couple of weeks ago and Mrs. Holden and I got the crab roll but it's not like the other places - they had so much mayonaise. Mary got a tuna roll and even IT had a lot of mayonnaise.

(SCENE.)

The Sweater

M: are you going out?

me: no. i just gotta get something outta my car.

M: oh. has the mail come yet do you know?

me: ah, i doubt it, not that i know of.

M: oh (great big sigh)

me: so...

M: well i just wanted to - is that a handmade sweater?

me: no a friend of mine gave it to me.

M: oh it's pretty it's mohair right?

me: um it's

M: probably, huh. lambswool or angora or mohair.

me: its itchy.

M: it's probably got some cathairs on there HA HA THOSE LITTLE DEVILS!

me: yeah -

M: is that your car right out there the grey one - the station wagon like?

me: no.

M: no?

me: no.

M: well let me just check and see (if there's mail)

me:alright

M: no, no mail.

me: no?

M: nope.

(SCENE.)