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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003, 1:35pm

Get updated. GET BITCHED.


Tuesday, December 30th, 2003, 9:23pm

I don't know why I hate the holidays. All I know is that when they're here, all I can think is, "I hate this."

And the same thing happens all the time. Just when I think I'm getting better, this intense lonliness sets in. And I wonder what the hell I'm planning on doing with my life, because I'm almost 30 and I have no money, therefore no savings account, therefore nowhere even close to settling down somewhere, therefore even further away from finding someone to settle down with...

Not that that's what I should be worrying about. But the things i DO worry about seem stupid and pointless in comparison to shit going on in the real world. I'm like an 8 year old in a half-way grown-up unhealthy body. No desire to do anything, no desire to try to even care about anything. And when the shit gets like this, it reminds me of all the other times the shit got like this.

The only difference being that now I'm too old to ask for help. Or I've forgotten how, or I've learned the hard way that once you ask for help once, it becomes a fucking avalanche and I can't stop. That's why Stephen hates me. Thats why a lot of people have gotten fed up with me.

And all I want to be able to do is call someone up and say, "hey, talk to me." And I can't.

Don't ask me why. I just fucking can't.



Monday, December 29th, 2003, 1:39am

insomnia \In*som"ni*a\, n. [L., fr. insomnis sleepless; pref. in- not + somnus sleep.] Want of sleep; inability to sleep; wakefulness; sleeplessness.

drunk \Drunk\, adj 1: stupefied or excited by a chemical substance (especially alcohol); "a noisy crowd of intoxicated sailors"; "helplessly inebriated" [syn: intoxicated, inebriated] [ant: sober] 2: as if under the influence of alcohol; "felt intoxicated by her success"; "drunk with excitement" [syn: intoxicated] n 1: a chronic drinker [syn: drunkard, rummy, sot, inebriate] 2: someone who is intoxicated.

vapid \VAP-id; VAY-pid\, adjective: 1. Lacking liveliness and spirit; unanimated; spiritless; dull; as, "a vapid speech." 2. Flavorless; lacking taste or zest; flat; as, "vapid beer."



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Sunday, December ??, 2003, 8:04am

Okay. That last entry? Lame.

Some folks drunk-dial. Not me. I hop on the ol' computer and make an ass out of myself that way. I apparently posted something on Craig's List as well, because yesterday I got all these emails from random people titled "advice." None of them said to lay off the booze, tho, so I couldn't have sounded too stupid.

So whatever. Christmas is over - thank God. Ma got me the Patch. Some folks get Ipods...

Gotta go be responsible.

Meh.

boyfriend

You need a boyfriend like you need a hole in the head.

There’s been drama.
There have been words.
Breakable items have been thrown.

In short, men are trouble and you want no part of them for any reason.
Conventional wisdom says they’re from Mars...
And that actually is not quite far enough away as far as you’re concerned.
Send them all to Pluto!

And the chances of your changing your mind are slim to none.
But that’s okay. We need to hate certain things in life...
So we’ll appreciate the things we love all the more.

Do You *Need* a Boyfriend?
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I LOVE T-SHIRTS!!

Wednesday, December 26th, 2003, 8:57pm

First off... I'm lit...

So let that be an excuse for anything dumb I may say right now. And an excuse for any typos. Whatever. Alex called to make an "arrangement" and I've already drank my half of it. Dumb, yes, but he's the one at the play. With a date. Heh heh...

Baltimore was the best time I've ever had. People that I thought didn't care actually do. And they actually miss me. Which is something I didn't think possible. How it's all going to work out -- I have no idea. Maybe it never will - cuz I think we'd be the death of each other. But if it could, let me just tell you, I knew it all along...

He is me.

I am him.

And we know how we each work. And if there is any wish that I wish could come true, it's that I wish someone could just "get me...

And he does...

And I wish that didn't make me cry...


MOOKIE!!!

wish you were here...



Wednesday, December 24th, 2003, 12:45am

Baltimore.

I wish I'd never left in the first place. It just makes everything else THAT much more screwed up... He treated me in a way I never thought possible. A way I'd always hoped, but didn't think would ever happen. As good as we are together, we're just as horrible for one another. Case in point: I got off the plane on Thursday night, we went drinkin, and didn't stop til 4am Tuesday morning. But in all honesty - I havent laughed that much in what feels like years. Almost like I forgot what it's like to have a best friend.

Until I saw him.

And as of right now, there ain't nothing I can do about it except be happy that we're speaking again and that he cares about me and he will be one of those people I'll always know. And one of those people that somewhere deep inside, you know you're supposed to be together. Maybe not right now, but someday. Sooner. Later. I really believe that. I absolutely love him, and right now, he will never accept that.

So, yeah. And here I am back in Melrose. Was supposed to go to Ma's tonight for Christmas Eve, but didn't feel well, realized it was because I was hungry, and much to my dismay, yet not shock, I have nothing to cook with. So I ate cold potato soup right from the can, and heated up a can of refried beans and threw some cheese on it. And to top it all off, I'm finishing up a bottle of wine, and I have to get up at 6am.

And I fucking wonder why I never feel well.

Christmas sucks this year. I wish I could skip it but my folks would disown me. It's almost over. I wish everything was almost over. But that's the wine talkin.


i learned it by watching YOU, alright?

Go baby Go!



Wednesday, December 17th, 2003, 10:40pm

My vacation officially starts... now...

I'm a little concerned about going to Baltimore for 5 days with a total of 20 bucks in my pocket. But from what I gather, or, should I say, assume, which i know it's never right to assume anything, but whatever, i digress - from what i GATHER, I don't think I'll be needing much money. Now, I've never ever been one of those girls who assumes (assume - again) the guy pays for everything, but from experience with this particular person, I don't think I'll have much to worry about.

It's an interesting situation. One that I will only go into any detail about AFTER the event occurs. Again - don't want to assume.

Funny story tho - as a favor to my mother I made her Christmas cards to send out. Basically, it's a goofy little snowman card with my family's heads superimposed on all the snowmen. So I print out about 25 of these cards, proceed to glue the pictures on the actual notecards, and at about the 18th one, I stop and take a closer look at what I've created...

In the upper left-hand corner, right above my mother's head, is what is supposed to be a Christmas tree ornament from the original card. But whatever I did when i photoshopped the thing, it now kind of looks like a woman's nipple.

Hopefully my mind is just in the gutter. After having worked 7 months in a sex shop that kind of thing can happen to a person. I actually think it's kinda funny.

But that's just me...


that's some nipple, son.

Happy Holidays. Pray I don't die.



Tuesday, December 16th, 2003, 7:46pm

So this is the fourth or fifth or maybe even the sixth day in a row that i've been sitting on my ass working on my website. I'm proud of my accomplishments, yet I'm also quite aware that I'm a perfectionist, and if i don't stop now, i'm going to have sciatica and a flat ass.

My point, however, is that I think I may be ready to narrow down my career choices and start focusing on something. That something being web and graphic design. The part that worries me though is what I just stated. I haven't left my house, I've smoked way too many cigarettes, and have had way too much coffee. And I keep saying: After it's done, you'll get back on track.

Yeah, right.

At any rate, it's almost Christmas, and I don't have shit for anyone. They're all getting an interpretive dance. That's how it's gonna be. And when they don't believe me, well that's when I whip out the boom box and make'em all sit down and watch. At the very least, it won't be a duplicate gift.

So, yeah. The intriguing part of this whole holiday, is that I've been invited to Baltimore by an old friend for a few days, and he's planning something *big.* It involves hats and weapons. It's the only thing I've been looking forward to for the last 3 weeks, yet at the same time I'm nervous as hell. But it'll be good to escape for a few days. Even thought I havent been here very long.

But I'm a spontaneous escapist. Kinda like Houdini. But without the straightjacket.

Cheers for now. I promise things will get interesting.


that's some cephalopod, son.

torture the torture, enjoy the enjoyment.



     
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Would life be simpler if we could settle adult disputes the same way we did when we were kids - by "calling it," by pushing and shoving (but never really seriously injuring,) and by invoking the "no give-backs" rule?