Today's Crap of the Day is Dedicated to Andrew Sabola, who in his own subtle way, implied that I have waitied too long in between updating entries.
But it's not entirely my fault. I've been moving, and it took a good week to get my internet hooked up again, and after a week of not feeling like a slave to the world wide web, i actually found it quite difficult to get myself back into the swing of being a slave.
But here I am, slaving again, in my new well-lit-huge apartment. Loving every minute of it. Learning a few things here and there about what it's like to have neighbors that can see you if they're sitting around the dining room table having dinner and you're peeing with the bathroom door open. Only had to learn that lesson once. Next time I'll wear a funny hat.
And while at one time i had this amazing and borderline obsessive shoe-fetish, I realized yesterday when i went to the supermarket that my new thing is air fresheners. any brand, any form any flavor. i have to have them all. this isnt necessarily a bad thing, unless my roommate comes back from england and i discover he's one of those people who has an allergic reaction to anything scented. i dont think he is, but it would figure.
And I've also discovered the laziness that comes with the InDemand button on the TV remote. You dont even have to go out and rent movies anymore. you just push a fucking button. you dont even have to get UP. It was due to this very button that i ended up renting Cruel Intentions 3 yesterday. It's also rather convenient, i suppose, because i never would have gone out in public and rented it. here i was, in the safey of my own home, renting quite possibly the worst film ever made, and i ACTUALLY said out loud, as it started: "This better not suck." But no worries. I caught myself. and laughed at my naivete (sp?).
And so it is. I'll catch up. This is my only creative outlet as of right now. I need something to do during the day.
× steph @ 8:13 PM ×
I AM BETTER THAN MR. ESPOSITO
As I'm sure that most people are aware of by now, the "I Am Better Than Your Kids" web page remains to be one of the funniest things ever seen on the internet. About two years ago, I had received it as an email and laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself. And the hundreds of times I have looked at it since then, I still laugh just as hard, and therefore am considering investing in some adult diapers, purely for this purpose (and, for the record, no other purpose whatsoever.)
A few months back, I discovered, to my surprise, that not everone was aware of this page, so in order to make the information available for friends of mine who could not receive picture-based email, or who plainly could not figure out how to USE their email, I admittedly duplicated the contents onto a page on my own website. SOME MIGHT CALL THIS PLAGIARISM, but at the time I did not know where the page originated, or whose amazing mind had created this little piece if piss-inducing heaven. But in NO WAY did I ever take credit for the idea and creativity behind the page. All i could do was give the credit to "Author Unknown," in hopes that one day, a friendly informant might enlighten me with the author's name.
Well, lo and behold, just last night, I was blessed with a vision in the form of an email from a helpful soul, who we shall refer to as "Mr. Esposito," entitled "About your 'I Am Better Than Your Kids' page... The email reads as follows:
Hello, The page you have duplicated at http://www.didujustcallmebitch.com/kids.html is not in fact an author unknown page, it was written by the hugely popular Maddox, and can be found at http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=irule. I strongly suggest you take down this dulicate and link to Maddox, at the very least, credit the man.
Best Regards
I have two responses which I feel are very important to express at this time:
1. Mr. Maddox, I truly apologize if any hard feelings were created in lieu of my "dulicating" of your "kids" page. I think it is Pure Genius, and am also very happy to have also been able to witness the rest of the contents of your website. Had I known what I was missing out on by not further examining the what-was-once mystery of You, this public apology would never have been necessary, as I would have credited you immediately. I am not an Identity-Thefter, nor did I ever have any intentions of being one.
2. To "Mr. Esposito: "First and foremost, I'd like to thank you for making me aware of my deviant behavior and for supplying me with this very important information. So as a way to say "Thank You," I've created a page in honor of your big brain and to grant you the credit you so desperately seem to need for being a brown-nosing-whistle-blower. In the future, should this ever happen again, a simple, friendly, "Hey, here's a link to the guy who originally created the "I Am Better Than Your Kids" page would suffice.
But you know? That's why they call me The Bitch.
Best Regards.
I Am Better Than "Mr. Esposito."
× steph @ 9:27 AM ×
SIDIOT ELF PRESENTS
We all see it, we all think it, and we all wonder if it's us:
"Am I insane? How would I know? Would someone tell me if I was? Oh, jeez, I just wish there was some sort of test I culd take, just so I could know for sure..."
Well, now there is!
Sidiot Elf Presentations has come up with a self-test that will allow you to explore your subconscious mind and to discover if the way you think and analyze is actually sympomatic of insanity.
All you need to do is answer a small series of questions and then calculate your score. The number of points you have will determine your level of insanity. It's easy, it's harmless, and you can cheat if you'd like. We're talking about Self-Discovery, not the MCATs.
THE TEST.
1. When you hear someone say "Van Gogh's other ear," do you think of:
A. the attached ear
B. the unattached ear
2. Are you an acrophile? Here's a simple way to find out... When someone says "casualties of war," is "cow" the first thing to pop into your mind?
A. Yes
B. No
3. If you were blind and holding a Chia-Pet, would it disturb you to discover that the pet had nipples?
A. Yes
B. No
4. If someone asked you, "which is heavier, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers," would you feel smarter for knowing the answer?
A. Yes
B. No
5. Using the previous question, replace "pound" with "kilogram."
A. Yes
B. No
6. Suppose you were wiring a virtual condom machine, where the number of condoms was indicated by the length of the phallus. When condoms are used, which way should the indicator go?
A. It should get longer, because virtual studliness increases.
B. It should get shorter, because potential studliness decreases.
7. Do you care about OJ Simpson in any significant way?
A. Yes
B. No
8. Have you taken LSD three or more times?
A. Yes
B. No
THE RESULTS.
People like to argue that things like sanity are all relative and not easily nailed down. Anyone who says this is a bit kooky. Sane people live in a black and white world and anyone who says different is wrong.
In that vein, the correct answers are:
B, B, A, B, A, A, B, B.
For each one you missed, you get five points.
SO HOW INSANE ARE YOU?
35 - 40 : Way kooky.
25 - 30 : Out there.
15 - 20 : Lost a few marbles.
0 - 10 : Sane in da brain.
Brought to you by Sidiot Elf Presentations
× steph @ 9:59 AM ×
StumpHumping
NotQuiteJack:"You shouldn't fuck people in the ass with your elbow."
NotQuiteJack:That really stuck with me -
NotQuiteJack: he's so insightful
NotQuiteJack: He should write a book.
KYJealous: but what if people have that amputee fetish?
KYJealous: stumphumping?
NotQuiteJack: HAHAHA
NotQuiteJack: uuum
NotQuiteJack: then I'll ignore them.
NotQuiteJack: BAM!
NotQuiteJack: Problem solved
KYJealous: i like the word stumphumping.
KYJealous: i just made it up
NotQuiteJack: seriously? you're good!
KYJealous: lets form a band
KYJealous: StumpHumping
NotQuiteJack: neat, I'm in
KYJealous: i'll be the singer
KYJealous:cuz it was my idea and my word
NotQuiteJack:that's fair
NotQuiteJack: I'll play the tambourine
KYJealous: OOOH! OOOH! and thatll be it!
NotQuiteJack: HAHAHA
NotQuiteJack:: The band listing on the back will be:
NotQuiteJack: Stephanie xxx- Vocals
NotQuiteJack: Jon xxx- Tambourine
KYJealous: heeheeheeeHAA
NotQuiteJack: Andy Something - Prettyboy
KYJealous: he'll be like the guy from the bosstones who just used to dance
NotQuiteJack: YEAH
NotQuiteJack: I don't know what that's called though
NotQuiteJack: so I just said "Prettyboy"
KYJealous: he'll be fine with that
× steph @ 9:47 AM ×
He Likes'Em! Hey, Mikey!
So yeah... This is pretty much all I had to do. Put shoes on. Lace them up. Walk around. (The bike was my idea - thought it would lighten things up a bit... I mean, come on, if anyone out there has ever seen any photos with me in them... I can't just stand there and have photos taken of my shoes and find it interesting. But I digress...)
Hi Stephanie, The pictures are just great! Wonderful in fact! I sepecially liked to see your sense of humor in them, for example at the fridge and on the bicycle. Thank you so much. You are the best! Mike
Anytime, Mike. You just helped me pay the rest of my security deposit. And good luck.
The rest of the photos are here if anyone's interested.
If you're into that kind of thing.
You know...
Shoes...
× steph @ 12:36 PM ×
The Easiest Hundred Bucks I Ever Made
No, not on Ebay, although I tried. I was asking 12 bucks for them. But then I got this message:
Hi, would you be intgerested in making another $100 from your tall white Docs? I need around twenty photos of the Docs themselves from various angles, then a woman putting them on and wearing them, sitting and standing. She would be fully clothed, her face would not have to show if she was shy. $100 via Paypal, pics via e-mail. Can you help me out please???
Hmmm, I thought to myself. Sounds easy enough. And Jon takes great digital photos. Plus i have no shame, so even if they ended up on some kinky foot-fetish website, what the hell. My face won't be in them. I dont even need to meet the guy - he doesnt even want the damn boots. So I wrote back agreeing to the project. And then:
Hi Stephanie, $100 has just been sent to xxx@spankthedonkey.com. What I would like is about 20 photos, nice and rich detail so don't skimp on the digital photo file size. Some of just the Docs, from the side, front, the soles. Then you putting the Docs on and lacing them up. Wear whatever you normally would wear with them, e.g. socks, leggings, whatever. Then some of you sitting and walking with the Docs on. I find Docs -- especially tall ones -- exciting on a woman and I am trying to convince my girlfriend to get and wear a pair of tall white ones on our wedding day (which is a year away). Many thanks, Mike
So if anyone out there wants more pictures of me putting on shoes, just gimme a holla. Because now I have "professional experience."
P.S. So, as usual, I've been procrastinating since 8am this morning. I took 4 boxes from work to start packing things into them, and 4 is not a lot of boxes. And in all honesty, it should take me less than an hour. But of course, this was much more important.
× steph @ 12:28 PM ×
"Life is not a promise, nor a goal. If we have objectives, Life just throws that into the mix, but will not deliver a road map. Instead, you hang your objectives from the rearview mirror, like a pair of fuzzy dice - all nice and fatalistic-like. Many twists, turns and detours appear. The sharper they are, the more those fuzzy dice will swing and spin.
Since there is no roadmap, we take the route that our intuition suggests. Sometimes we consciously go off the path when we need to refuel or visit grandma or trade in our car for a new one...
Sometimes, usually, we try to take the most direct path. But that can be straight uphill and sometimes we're not equipped for that. On the other extreme, we sometimes take the path of least resistance, but that can lead you all over creation and have no guarantee of reaching your destination.
Sometimes we redefine our goals along the way, which is easy to do. When you see a lot of this and that, your assumptions about life can change, thus do our needs and destinations. It's okay to be confused in the end.
That's all, really.
But if you drive with integrity, so to speak, then you'll avoid traffic tickets and fatal collisions, and no matter where you end up going, it will be a nice place."
J. Jost
× steph @ 7:05 PM ×
MY POEM.
Jon Collier's not from Nantucket.
When he has to he pukes in a bucket.
He likes to drink beer (and)
Sometimes he acts queer
Until, finally, Dave lets him suck it.
THE END.
× steph @ 5:07 PM ×
is when I'm sitting here with these thoughts going through my head, am i REALLY hating everyone? Or am I just hating myself, and is it just easier to blame everybody else?
× steph @ 2:34 AM ×
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You Are Drunk
a. Innovative
b. Preliminary
c. Proliferation
d. Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
a. Specificity
b. British Constitution
c. Passive-aggressive disorder
d. Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
a. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b. Nope, no more booze for me.
c. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d. No kebab for me, thank you
e. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f. I'm not interested in fighting you.
g. Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
× steph @ 1:10 AM ×